


Stay out of love

by Melime



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Terminal Illnesses, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-29 19:43:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12092082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime
Summary: When Dorian learns that he is terminally ill, he pushes Bull away to keep him from suffering by his side for the years he has left.





	Stay out of love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theladylily](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theladylily/gifts).
  * Translation into Português brasileiro available: [Ficar por amor](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12092088) by [Melime GreenLeaf (Melime)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime%20GreenLeaf)



> theladylily asked: Adoribull Sunday Prompt – Adoribull – Long Term Illness – Dorian grows ill shortly after the last battle and there is very little chance of getting better, Dorian has seen what illness does to the family of the sick and he doesn’t want to ruin Bull like Felix’s Blight ruined Alexius so he tries to send him away, break up the relationship.

It wasn't fair, to survive all of this, only to have his body turn on him. Then again, so few things in life were fair, he really shouldn't be surprised. Dorian first fell ill during the victory celebration, although at the time he thought it was nothing. He fainted for just a moment, and it was easy to tell himself that it was merely a consequence of fatigue, after all, he wasn't the only one who was working to the point of exhaustion in preparation for the final battle. He didn't think much of it at the time, but as the same thing happened again over the following months, with an increased frequency, he had no choice but to visit a healer.

Dorian wasn't the kind to neglect his health, not completely anyway, but in some level, perhaps he was afraid of what he might discover. Perhaps he felt the sickness eating away his body, even before he conscientiously knew of it. It didn't matter, knowing before would only have helped him deal with the symptoms sooner, not actually bought him more time.

He could barely believe what was happening. The healer, an old elven lady, should be commended for her patience with him, because his initial reaction wasn't the best. He apologized to her once he calmed down, but that took longer than he would care to admit. And even now, he was still only beginning to understand what was happening to him.

A sickness, deep within his bones, making his blood weaker, and his whole body as a consequence. He would be more prone to any opportunistic disease as well, and the blood treatments would only make him feel moderately stronger, not do anything to actually cure him. It was impossible not to be reminded of Felix, of the way Felix's illness destroyed his father.

Finally, Dorian understood Felix's feelings on the matter. Dorian couldn't help but think that he would soon become a burden, even though he never saw Felix as one. And it was that mix of pride and fear that guided his next actions.

\---

According to the five different healers he saw, he could still have years to live, possibly over a decade, depending on the progression of his disease and how effective he would be in avoiding opportunistic diseases. He would depend on the blood treatments for the rest of his life, unless he wanted the dizzy spells to worsen, to the point where in one year's time he would be lucky to get out of the bed on his own.

He hadn't told anyone about this, nor did he plan to. He didn't want any pity, much less worrying any of his friends. And the there was the matter of Bull.

They had been in a, Dorian would hesitate to call it a relationship, as they never discussed it in those terms, but they had been together for over a year. Still, having fun together was one thing, caring for a chronically ill person was another matter entirely. Even so, Bull was a decent person, Dorian knew as much, and there was a very real possibility that he would want to stay with Dorian out of a misguided sense of duty, and that was the last thing Dorian wanted. It wasn't as if he hadn't considered the possibility of a long term relationship with Bull, he had, more often than he cared to admit, but even in his wildest dreams, he only expected, or rather, hoped that would come after years together made each other's company into a habit. He certainly didn't expect them to be at this point so soon, and he didn't want to find out if his illness would make a difference. It was better if he didn't know.

And so, he only had one choice. He had to end his association with Bull, sooner rather than later, and before Bull had a chance to discover what happened to him. Bull was a spy, and a damn good one at that, so Dorian couldn't keep his secret from him for long, not if they were to continue close to one another.

Now the only problem was, he wasn't so sure he could look at Bull in the eye and end things with him.

\---

Bull was shocked when he read Dorian's letter, and disappointed as well. What they had meant a great deal to him, and he assumed the same was true for Dorian, but now it was over, and Dorian couldn't even tell him that in person. Bull tried not to take offense at that. If Dorian wanted to end their relationship, it was his prerogative. However, it was hard not to think that it was an odd choice. Up to this point, Dorian never seemed to have a problem talking to him in person, and never had sent him a written note. Even though Bull wanted to respect Dorian's decision and not question it, it was nearly impossible to ignore everything his training told him, and his training told him that these circumstances were suspicious.

\---

Dorian decided it was better if he avoided Bull, the Chargers, and the tavern entirely. The less contact he had with them, smaller were the chances of him being questioned about his decision. Also, he had grown increasingly paranoid that any person talking to him for too long might notice something was wrong with him, even though his disease was still in its early stages. He knew he was being ridiculous, and that it was still far too early for him to decide to cut all contact with anyone, but it was how he felt, and he couldn't force himself to act any differently.

The Inquisitor was worried about him, he could tell, but she was also far too busy to do anything about it, at least for as long as he insisted he was fine. If he told her the truth, she would do anything in her power to help him, even if that wasn't possible. She would probably insist on traveling across all the land, looking for different healers and perhaps forgotten magics in an attempt to save him, but it would be useless, and he didn't want that. Not after he saw what the pursuit of an impossible cure did to his friend and mentor. He wouldn't allow that to happen to anyone else, and if that meant pushing everyone away, then that was what had to happen.

\---

There were rumors going around Skyhold. Of course, he couldn't expect to avoid something like this forever. Dorian was taking blood transfusions every month, so of course the rumors were that he was an evil blood mage doing something evil. It wasn't surprising, even after all those years, most of the people in Skyhold didn't trust him. It was something that he learned to deal with a long time ago, and he didn't care about the opinions of most people anyway. The problem was, the more the rumors circulated, the greater were the odds of one of his friends hearing about them, and deciding to investigate their origins.

Still, there was nothing he could do about that, other than worrying, and hoping that nothing would come of it. That is, nothing except planning his departure from Skyhold. It was time, after all. There was little more that he could do for the Inquisition, and even ill he could find a use for himself back in his homeland.

\---

When Bull heard the rumors that Dorian was leaving Skyhold, he decided it was time to talk to him. It had been a little over three months since the last time he talked to Dorian, days before receiving the fateful letter that terminated their relationship. In that time, he respected Dorian's space and wishes to the highest degree, but now, as it became clear there was a very real possibility that they would never speak again, it was harder to do so. What finally settled his decision was the Inquisitor, sharing with him her suspicions that Dorian was hiding something from them, something serious. She was worried about him, but didn't know what to do, as he ignored all her attempts at contact. And so, Bull decided to talk to him, one last time.

\---

Dorian was shocked to see Bull approach him at the library, after so long without seeing him. And even more so at Bull's request that they went someplace to talk privately. He couldn't make himself deny that, so he suggested his quarters, as they were closer.

"You wanted to talk?" Dorian asked as soon as they got inside. There was no use prolonging this further.

"The boss has been worried about you, and to be honest she isn't the only one."

Dorian couldn't say he wasn't expecting something like this to happen eventually, although he assumed he would be dealing with the Inquisitor. "I can assure you that there is no reason to worry about me. I simply decided that it's time I went back home and tried my hand at implementing all the changes I've said I would."

"Dorian, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but you don't have to lie to me."

Dorian sighed. "Then I think it's better if I said nothing else."

Before leaving, Bull decided to push a little further. "Not even about the blood transfusions you have been taking?"

"Who told you about that?" Dorian asked, panicked.

Bull sighed. "No one. However, the boss told me about the rumors you have been using blood magic, and although she didn't believe that, she remembered that some treatments are made using blood transfusions."

Dorian closed his eyes, sadly. "It's better if you don't know."

"Why?"

"Because there's nothing you can do to help me."

"You're sick." It wasn't a question.

"Not only sick, I'm dying, and I don't want to be here as that happens!" Dorian said without thinking.

"Dorian..."

"No! I don't want you to pity me! I've made my peace with what the future holds for me, but I can't stand to ruin the lives of the people I love." He felt the tears beginning to form, but fought them. He had to be strong now.

Bull stepped closer, but still not touching him. "I would never pity you, Dorian, but I am worried about you, and being away won't change that."

Dorian finally gave in to his desires, and launched himself to Bull's chest. Bull hugged him without hesitation. "I never wanted you to worry about me, I wanted you to live your life without worrying about me."

"I can't do that, Dorian, you know that."

"You don't understand, I'll never recover from this illness, but it will take me years to die. Years depending on healers and transfusions just so I can stand, I'll never be able to go on adventures like we had."

"Years? Dorian, you have years to live, then why are you acting like you are dead already?"

"Don't you understand what I'm saying? This just makes things worse. A quick illness brings pain to love ones, that's sure, but it's not disruptive. This? The healers say I could go on another decade ill, maybe even longer, I would never dream to subject you to that."

"I would take whatever time I could get with you, in whatever form. Have I not shown you that before?"

"This is now. I'll grow weak, I'll get tired too often, and even a cold could be dangerous. I've seen this happen to Felix, and I know how it broke my heart. He was like a brother to me, and I cannot describe the pain I felt watching him waste away."

"And would you have preferred to abandon him, if he had given you the chance?"

"No, of course not."

"Then why won't you extend me the same courtesy he extended you?"

Dorian couldn't fight the tears this time, so he hid his face against Bull's chest. "I don't want you to stay with me out of duty."

"But would you allow me to stay out of love?"

Dorian didn't answer that, he couldn't, for fear of his voice breaking. He never expected this, never hoped for this. But now, for the first time since he learnt of his fate, he didn't believe he had to face this alone.


End file.
